We Are Going To Be OK!!!

When my ex- husband and I separated it was very hard.  I cried a lot.  I couldn't believe I was going to be divorced.  I tried to hide my sadness from my kids, but my little girls are very intuitive.  My oldest always knew when I had been crying.   She also noticed that my friends stopped calling me.    She saw that I no longer went to church. I couldn't deal with it.     She saw the friends I had my entire life, were no longer my friends, but were my ex husband's friends.    It was hard.   She looked through my smile and saw my pain, my little girl.   

Soon after my separation, my oldest said "I guess my dad just wasn't the right man for you."    WOW!!!! She was only 7 at the time.   I couldn't believe it.    She saw my unhappiness in my marriage.  I tried to hide it, but she saw it.    Whenever we talked about the separation and impending divorce, I always looked at my girls and told them "We will be OK!"  I told them over and over again, their mom was tough, and we would be OK.  This became my motto.  Whenever she questioned things.  I reassured her of my love.  I told her, her father loved her as well.   I told her "We would be OK."   I said it with emphasis and belief.  I honestly had to be OK for the sake of my girls.    If they saw a Mom who fell apart constantly, then they would not be strong.    That is not the example I wanted for my girls.

It's only been a year and a few months.  My divorce is completely final.  I am in love with another man.  He is more than I ever hoped or dreamed.  He and I truly are best friends and talk constantly.   He adores me and my girls.  I am a package and he gets that.   My girls are reassured they are loved constantly.   They know I love them, and My New  Love loves them.    I don't need to reassure them as much that we will be OK, because they see it.   When they are with me, they know it and they feel it.     I gave up a lot when I left my ex-husband, but I was very unhappy.    I didn't realize how much my kids saw it, but they did.    I gave up money, my  health insurance, my house, one of my dogs, being able to stay home, and ultimately a church family, and best friends.   It was terrifying!  Now, I am so much better.   I am OK.  I still have sad days because I miss my dog, and my best friend.  I have had to realize my  friends weren't  true, and neither were some of the people I had worshipped with and admired for most of my life. I HATE not having money, but happiness, contentment, and peace of mind are more important than money in the bank.    Can I get an "Amen!"?

My girls are doing well in school.   My oldest is a very strong in math.   She has some difficulty in reading, but contiues to improve.  She has wonderful friends.    One of her little friends, "is her true, true friend, because she understands."   My youngest is ready for kindergarten, but her father wants to hold her back.   He says she has emotional issues, and has been through a lot of turmoil.   She doesn't, and she is better than fine, but fighting it is too tough, and emotionally draining on me, and then the girls because I can't be the loving Mom my girls need.  My girls believe they are OK.    So many people told me I was going to mess up their lives.   They would never recover.   I knew they would.  I have and had faith in my kids.    I knew they would have issues if I stayed in an unhappy marriage, or if I did what I needed to do, by leaving their father.    There would be issues either way.  Who doesn't have an issue here and there?  

I really believe my girls and I are going to continue to be OK.   I don't just believe it, I feel it throughout my entire being.  

Every person needs love.  Every person gives love in one way or another.  Often times we give our love the only way we know how.   Sometimes though, we give love, but for whatever reason, the way we give love is not the same way the person needs love.  

I grew up in a home where love was shown by the work done.  My father was a very hard worker.  He was a laborer. He worked  Monday through Friday, and then slaved around the house on the weekends to make sure our lawns were the greenest in town, our roses were the prettiest, our bushes were evenly trimmed, our cars shined as we drove around, etc.  I always doubted my dad's love.    He wasn't big into physical affection or loving words.  He never said he loved me.  I only heard "Ain't I lucky."  in response to "I love you Daddy."   When my dad past away unexpectedly almost thirteen years ago, I grieved, oh how I grieved.   I lost a man who meant so much to me, but yet I was always so afraid of his thoughts and actions.  At his funeral, we played "The Greatest Man I Never Knew" by Reba McEntire.   The song basically talked about a dad who worked hard, but didn't really talk much to his daughter.  The last line says "He never said he loved me, guess he thought I knew."   That is powerful.   That was my relationship with my dad.   It took me years to realize, the way Daddy communicated love to me was by working.    He didnt' know how to communicate it any other way.  I spent many hours angry because I thought doggone it, why didnt' he know?   I can't answer that.  I just have to convince myself he did.   I wanted my dad to hug me and tell me he loved me.  He was not capable.  I wanted my dad to tell me I was beautiful, instead he told me "don't get above your britches."   I wanted my dad to dance with me at my wedding.  He wasn't a dancer.  He did sing and play his guitar.  That was very special, but we fought for months, and even on the way to the church about him doing it.  I grew up feeling unloved by my dad.  I felt like I didn't matter.    I felt like he wanted a boy.   I felt like I never measured up.  I honestly felt like a constant disappointment.  I wasn't, but I felt like I was, and I have had the hardest time convincing myself otherwise.

Thankfully after a person dies, often times, we are able to look back and remember the good, instead of the bad.  It kind of comes and goes.    I can count on my hand, the times I knew and was secure in the fact that Daddy loved me.    When I graduated from high school, the smile on his face was huge.   My dad didn't smile much, but he did that day.   I hold on to that.   When I tried to learn to play the guitar, (his instrument), he was proud as well.    My dad had a degree in American History.   One of my favorite classes in college was African American History.  We often sat down and discussed the class.  I aced a test, and then I came home and gave him the same test.     He was proud then as well.   I have had to dig through my memories and find other small things.  It has been a long difficult process, but  thankfully I have found some.  

I think as parents we need to not only communicate our love to our children in ways we know how, BUT ALSO in the ways they need us.   If it is uncomfortable for us, we still need to do it.  Our children are worth it.    Our children deserve it.    I am glad I can look back and realize Daddy did love me the best way he knew how.  

Sometimes my little girls get scared.  They wonder if someone will break into the house.   I have reassured them over and over, they are safe.   When a child gets something in their mind, there is no changing it.   They decided to take matters into their own hands.  They had to be proactive and protect themselves.

My adorable daughters decided to create a burglar trap.   My youngest thought it would be a great idea, so her older sister agreed.   They used a scarf, a bucket, a bell, the vacuum cleaner, and a few other odds and ends to create the trap.   They were quite proud of themselves.    As they went to bed, they prayed a burgular would come.   Then they realized what they actually were praying for and changed the prayer.

They awoke to find a burgular hadn't come, much to their relief and dismay. There was a problem though, they didn't know if the trap actually worked.  They had to find out.    They blind folded each other, and went through the trap.   After they tested it, they needed someone who hadn't seen the trap.   They needed Mommy to go through it.   The girls blind folded me, spun me around, and then led me through.    It was fun.  We had a good little laugh.   As I went through the trap, I realized I was creating memories with my children.  I tried to not think of the mess, just the memories.

Take time every day, even just fifteen minutes, to spend with your children doing what they want to do.    You will be creating a memory, that won't soon be forgotten.

ALL DREAMS ARE POSSIBLE IF YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO PURSUE THEM~Walt Disney

I love this quotation.   Every one has dreams.  Sometimes as we get older, we lose sight of our dreams.   We forget what they are, or we think people won't support us.   I look at so many people who had dreams, and actually pursued them.   Walt Disney was a grown man, and he drew pictures.   He dreamt they would come to life.   Movies, cartoons, theme parks all because of one man's dream.   Bill Gates started playing with computer things in his garage, look at the man now.   He is a billionaire.    People all over the world own computers, and are unable to function without them.   Oprah had a dream to have her on talk show.   She is an African American woman in the 1980's who pursued her dream.  The 1980's was a time where women were starting to  become  more accepted in the work place, but she was an African American woman trying to make a name for herself in a world where white men were the ones who pursued  these type of careers.   Mother Teresa wanted to help the less fortunate.   How many thousands of lives has she touched?  The author of Harry Potter, she was homeless when she finished her novel, she now has more than money can buy.   Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., had a dream segreation would end, that white children and black children could play together and it would be ok.  It is happening.  We have an African American president.   Who knew, all because of dreams.

My dreams are coming true.  I am not well known, like the above mentioned people, but my dreams are unfolding daily.   As a child, I wanted to be a teacher.   I became a teacher.  I have lost that opportunity due to the economy, but I still was fortunate enough to accomplish that dream.    I wanted to be a mother.    I have two beautiful daughters.  As a child, I wanted to sing.   I hoped I would be on the Grand Ole Opry.   I unfortunately, won't accomplish that dream, but I haven't stopped singing.  I was told by someone very close to me I couldn't sing.  I was devasted, but I kept singing becasue I enjoy it.   I may not sing like Dolly Parton, but I sing better than a crow.   I always imagined stories in my mind, but never told people.   I always thought, people won't understand.   I can't do it.  It won't pay bills.  It won't amount to anything.  Look at me now, I'm in my thirties, and I am writing.    I enjoy it more than words can say.   I never thought it would be possible.  I get afraid sometimes, and want to give up, but I'm not going to because I will not give in to fear or negative thoughts.

What is your dream?  Believe in yourself, and follow that dream.     You are a wonderful person.   Have the courage and go for it!