We Are Going To Be OK!!!

When my ex- husband and I separated it was very hard.  I cried a lot.  I couldn't believe I was going to be divorced.  I tried to hide my sadness from my kids, but my little girls are very intuitive.  My oldest always knew when I had been crying.   She also noticed that my friends stopped calling me.    She saw that I no longer went to church. I couldn't deal with it.     She saw the friends I had my entire life, were no longer my friends, but were my ex husband's friends.    It was hard.   She looked through my smile and saw my pain, my little girl.   

Soon after my separation, my oldest said "I guess my dad just wasn't the right man for you."    WOW!!!! She was only 7 at the time.   I couldn't believe it.    She saw my unhappiness in my marriage.  I tried to hide it, but she saw it.    Whenever we talked about the separation and impending divorce, I always looked at my girls and told them "We will be OK!"  I told them over and over again, their mom was tough, and we would be OK.  This became my motto.  Whenever she questioned things.  I reassured her of my love.  I told her, her father loved her as well.   I told her "We would be OK."   I said it with emphasis and belief.  I honestly had to be OK for the sake of my girls.    If they saw a Mom who fell apart constantly, then they would not be strong.    That is not the example I wanted for my girls.

It's only been a year and a few months.  My divorce is completely final.  I am in love with another man.  He is more than I ever hoped or dreamed.  He and I truly are best friends and talk constantly.   He adores me and my girls.  I am a package and he gets that.   My girls are reassured they are loved constantly.   They know I love them, and My New  Love loves them.    I don't need to reassure them as much that we will be OK, because they see it.   When they are with me, they know it and they feel it.     I gave up a lot when I left my ex-husband, but I was very unhappy.    I didn't realize how much my kids saw it, but they did.    I gave up money, my  health insurance, my house, one of my dogs, being able to stay home, and ultimately a church family, and best friends.   It was terrifying!  Now, I am so much better.   I am OK.  I still have sad days because I miss my dog, and my best friend.  I have had to realize my  friends weren't  true, and neither were some of the people I had worshipped with and admired for most of my life. I HATE not having money, but happiness, contentment, and peace of mind are more important than money in the bank.    Can I get an "Amen!"?

My girls are doing well in school.   My oldest is a very strong in math.   She has some difficulty in reading, but contiues to improve.  She has wonderful friends.    One of her little friends, "is her true, true friend, because she understands."   My youngest is ready for kindergarten, but her father wants to hold her back.   He says she has emotional issues, and has been through a lot of turmoil.   She doesn't, and she is better than fine, but fighting it is too tough, and emotionally draining on me, and then the girls because I can't be the loving Mom my girls need.  My girls believe they are OK.    So many people told me I was going to mess up their lives.   They would never recover.   I knew they would.  I have and had faith in my kids.    I knew they would have issues if I stayed in an unhappy marriage, or if I did what I needed to do, by leaving their father.    There would be issues either way.  Who doesn't have an issue here and there?  

I really believe my girls and I are going to continue to be OK.   I don't just believe it, I feel it throughout my entire being.  

Every person needs love.  Every person gives love in one way or another.  Often times we give our love the only way we know how.   Sometimes though, we give love, but for whatever reason, the way we give love is not the same way the person needs love.  

I grew up in a home where love was shown by the work done.  My father was a very hard worker.  He was a laborer. He worked  Monday through Friday, and then slaved around the house on the weekends to make sure our lawns were the greenest in town, our roses were the prettiest, our bushes were evenly trimmed, our cars shined as we drove around, etc.  I always doubted my dad's love.    He wasn't big into physical affection or loving words.  He never said he loved me.  I only heard "Ain't I lucky."  in response to "I love you Daddy."   When my dad past away unexpectedly almost thirteen years ago, I grieved, oh how I grieved.   I lost a man who meant so much to me, but yet I was always so afraid of his thoughts and actions.  At his funeral, we played "The Greatest Man I Never Knew" by Reba McEntire.   The song basically talked about a dad who worked hard, but didn't really talk much to his daughter.  The last line says "He never said he loved me, guess he thought I knew."   That is powerful.   That was my relationship with my dad.   It took me years to realize, the way Daddy communicated love to me was by working.    He didnt' know how to communicate it any other way.  I spent many hours angry because I thought doggone it, why didnt' he know?   I can't answer that.  I just have to convince myself he did.   I wanted my dad to hug me and tell me he loved me.  He was not capable.  I wanted my dad to tell me I was beautiful, instead he told me "don't get above your britches."   I wanted my dad to dance with me at my wedding.  He wasn't a dancer.  He did sing and play his guitar.  That was very special, but we fought for months, and even on the way to the church about him doing it.  I grew up feeling unloved by my dad.  I felt like I didn't matter.    I felt like he wanted a boy.   I felt like I never measured up.  I honestly felt like a constant disappointment.  I wasn't, but I felt like I was, and I have had the hardest time convincing myself otherwise.

Thankfully after a person dies, often times, we are able to look back and remember the good, instead of the bad.  It kind of comes and goes.    I can count on my hand, the times I knew and was secure in the fact that Daddy loved me.    When I graduated from high school, the smile on his face was huge.   My dad didn't smile much, but he did that day.   I hold on to that.   When I tried to learn to play the guitar, (his instrument), he was proud as well.    My dad had a degree in American History.   One of my favorite classes in college was African American History.  We often sat down and discussed the class.  I aced a test, and then I came home and gave him the same test.     He was proud then as well.   I have had to dig through my memories and find other small things.  It has been a long difficult process, but  thankfully I have found some.  

I think as parents we need to not only communicate our love to our children in ways we know how, BUT ALSO in the ways they need us.   If it is uncomfortable for us, we still need to do it.  Our children are worth it.    Our children deserve it.    I am glad I can look back and realize Daddy did love me the best way he knew how.  

This is a favorite poem of mine written by Dorothy Law Nolte.

If a child lives with criticism, She learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, She learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, She learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy,  She learns to feel guilt.

If a child lives with tolerance,  She learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,   She learns to confidence

If a child lives with praise,  She learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness.  She learns to justice.

If a child lives with security,  She learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, She learns to like herself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, She learns to find love in the world.

I NEED HELP!!!! Making my girls clean their room and playroom is a nightmare!!!! They hate to clean, which I completely understand.   What are some ways you get your kids to clean and keep things picked up?    This is a HUGE struggle for us.   Any ideas?   PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, HELP FROM ONE MOM TO ANOTHER....

You are not just helping me, but other moms that read the website as well.